The Bad Days

There is no worse thing than thinking yourself into a bad mood. 

For me the past week has been so hard, birth Mother's Day, anniversary of loved ones. It's all just hit me at once and I'm finding it so hard to cope.

I have absolutely no energy to do anything I just sit and listen to music, thinking myself into an even darker hole. 

I'm not depressed, I'm just sad, I get sad a lot.

I guess that's normal when a whole part of your life is something you have no idea about. I mean all I want is answers. And I'm so close to getting them I just need her to pay. Then I'll have my answers, good or bad I'll be able to understand my life a lot more, be happy, confused or sad. I don't mind. I've played the scenarios around in my head so much. She was to young, I was an accident, she just didn't want me, she was on drugs, she's a prostitute she dead. So many things go through my head about my family. I just have to wait and see.

My loved ones break my heart every month, time does not heal all wounds. I still think of them each and every day my mom included. It's hard to wrap your head around really.

I feel empty as if I don't exist im just going through the motions. No feelings no hope nothing. Just taking it day by day trying to get through. I can have no peace even in school my mind is running wild with dark thoughts. I have no saving grace.