Body image

 Not liking my body 

I have hated my body for the longest time. primary school, secondary, college and even now, but let’s start from the start.

I use to spend hours looking at myself in the mirror planning the things I’ll change when I’ve the money, new teeth, new boobs, new bum, botox, lip filler. If it changes me I want.

I grew decent sized boobs in primary and would always try hide them I absolutely hated them I’d wear jumpers too big and baggy anything to hide them. Then came secondary school I HATED my bum and legs god they were so so ugly to me I never wanted to wear leggings or jeans., and yea yer all probably thinking ‘what the hell she’s skinny’, but to me I felt like a skeleton. I was boney, I had no hips I was ‘as flat as a pancake’ in the arse area.

I had the sweetest tooth and would eat and eat junk and then hate myself for eating..so I wouldn’t eat much when I get home, or if I had to I’d pick at it and shove it around to make it seem like I ate. This got to the stage of me eating shite but no proper dinner I’d have a plain roll with curry at lunch a rake of sweets and that be it for the day. 

Other days I’d eat every thing I could possibly get my hands on.  

For those who say ‘oh your so skinny’ and ‘Jesus your tiny’ please stop. It may be a compliment but the person receiving it may not feel that way. Instead say ‘ you look beautiful as always’, something broad that doesn’t have to do with body size or weight, if you can’t be nice say nothing at all. 

I’m not going to lie it’s not all it’s cracked up the be to be my weight. Your constantly cold, get headaches, loss of appetite, stomach pains after eating because your body isn’t use to the volume of food and your stomach has shrunk. Your weight fluctuates so fast. The dizzy spells when you stand to quick and lack of energy are a pain too.

I’m 23 almost 24 and still I absolutely hate my body, probably more than before if I’m honest. I constantly see people on Instagram with beautiful bodies. Instagram vs real life I get it. It’s just that people have gotten to the stage of photoshop and editing so much that it’s not noticeable and they say it’s unedited. We’re lied to all the time about things like that, no wonder body confidence is low.

I go through bouts of wanting to put on a little weight and get some curves. Other times I will be so unhappy if I can’t see hip bone. I’ve battled with putting weight on my entire life I’ve been told by doctors my metabolism is high but sometimes I wish it wasn’t. Sometimes I wanna admire my ass in a pair of jeans and know things will fit properly. Buying clothes is a joke, most stuff don’t come in my size or are too high waisted meaning they don’t fit fully. I have to try everything on. Online shopping is a bust, it’s all always returned.

All the people who know me will always say ‘shivy eats like a horse ‘ or ‘ she’s always hungry’ and I am always mad for food.

But inside I am HATING MYSELF for eating those. The past few months have been the hardest my weight has fluctuated a lot and I’ve noticed every little thing. I loose weight off my chest first, then face and so on. Im just trying to remind myself that change is always happening and it’s okay.

I know not everyone feels like I do I just want to share my thoughts and feelings with others incase even just one person reading this can learn from it.

Love the skin your in guys and gals, it’s your home in a way, minding your organs, keeping you safe from disease, healing when you hurt.