Things No One Told Me About Depression

The Things No one Told Me About Depression

There are so many little things about life that you don’t realise you struggle with when you have depression.

Anxiety will be your new side kick, the constant anxious feelings and thoughts are soo overwhelming and debilitating.

Some days are better than others and some weeks and months are worse. It’s not a linear process, it’s up and down and all around and backwards 17 steps before you can move on 3 but those 3 are 3 more steps than you had. 

The nausea you will feel at the most random times is so horrible, currently laid in bed and my stomach is doing flips for no reason.

I find myself unable to keep a conversation going, even the basics are a struggle for me. To anyone who’s tried to talk to me I’m sorry my replies haven’t been great or I seem like I have no interest, I just don’t have the mental capacity at the moment to hold a conversation. One word sentences are your best friend or just repeating the same thing over and over and over again. 

You’ll probably notice this in this blog.

The thoughts that I’m not sad or whatever enough to have depression? My mind constantly tells me this and it hurts because If I could recover I would. The mental tiredness it’s as tho your brain is lagging or on low power mode. Everything is soooo much effort so you don’t want to do anything 

Having absolutely no emotional response to anything.. I spent months and months not being excited or sad or happy or angry, I felt nothing, while other times I could get soo angry for someone breathing or anything small at all. The rollercoaster of emotions is hard because you feel them but you also don’t I know it probably doesn’t make sense to you but to me it does. The frustration you feel about doing the smallest task like making a sandwich will now feel like it has too many steps which frustrates you to the point you want to scream or cry

I constantly feel like I need to cry and nothing absolutely nothing will make me cry, it’s horrible the feeling is in your chest and won’t come out no matter what you do.. other days you could be crying over the smallest thing like dropping something

The feeling of disconnection to the world, like your going through life as a dream I suppose?  A lot of things don’t feel real. Time feels like it goes soooooo slowly most days and other times it’s as tho the day went in the blink of an eye. You have no grasp of time at all, your days are mixed up and you have no routine 

Your favourite foods and snacks? Yeah they don’t taste as good at all anymore nothing really does. You could crave something and when you taste it are disappointed 

I find I will do anything to make people happy in order to compensate for my lack of happiness I suppose?

I can’t for the life of me plan ahead, I struggle to plan what I’ll do the next day or if I do make a plan it almost never gets done, or thinking about what your doing next in your life like a job or college yeah not a thing you think of or if you do you’ll forget or have no motivation to go for it.

Staring into space, or not being able to focus on any task or watch a show fully. I often just stare at the laptop when I have a show on but am paying little to no attention to it because I’m in my head. Often however my head is empty and quiet

The paranoia Jesus Christ I genuinely think this is personally the worst part for me, I feel as tho everyone hates me no matter what they say or do my mind will constantly tell me they hate me and they don’t want me around. Feeling as tho I’m a burden if I talk about my issues to them so I just bottle everything up because they have their own things going on

All you want is to be on your own but in order to get anything done you need someone else to be with you or you won’t do it. You push everyone away without realising it and then wonder why your on your own all the while your depression tells you that you deserve to be alone and that no one likes you

The tiredness is cruel I could sleep for 16 hours of the day and wake up tired, probably to just go back to sleep and that is no lie. Other times I might sleep for an hour every two days. My sleep got so bad last year I had to be put on sleeping tablets, my roommates would wake up in the morning to find me on the couch watching YouTube because my mind and body would not shut off for days on end I was like a walking zombie. 

My bones constantly hurt, I’m always clenching my jaw and my shoulders are tensed up near my ears without realising. My hands and feet are constantly clenched to the point when I realise it and straighten my fingers and toes the pain I feel is horrible. I constantly shake and and feel restless, my foot is always moving or I’m fidgeting, I tend to walk around the kitchen table or just in circles to the point my parents have told me I’m making them dizzy, I also make myself dizzy. 

Depression is sneaky and cruel and invasive.

Depression is vulnerability and guilt and restlessness.

You are not alone, as much as your depression wants you to think it You are not. 

You are not a burden 

You are not a failure 

You are good enough

You are beautiful 

You are strong 

You are wanted 

For anyone who wants to talk to someone without feeling judged,

My inbox is always opened and confidentiality will always upheld. 

Thank you for reading,

~LifeOfShivy 🥰