Deprivation Caused Destruction

 Deprivation Caused Destruction


I don't even know how to describe the feeling of not knowing where you're from. The confusion and wonder of who you look like be it your birth mam or dad. Do I have my mams eyes and my dads nose or what way? Wondering who I took more from in my taste in music had I grown up with them? Who's eating habits would I have. It's a constant stream of questions and you don't know when you will get your answers if ever.

And if you are getting your answers how long it feels it's taking to get the slightest bit. 

My head is in a scramble lately between the stress of results for leaving cert coming out, going on holidays, work and thinking about college and money. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't feel like myself. I'm putting on a persona because no one really understands just how hard it is being adopted, everyone thinks ah it's grand sure it's your family. 

It's not that easy your missing your identity like one morning you woke up and didn't know where your from, who your mam and dad were or anything at all. It's scary too. The unknowing of what's to be found if you do go looking for yourself and your family. Being adopted isn't an easy life. I don't even feel like myself it's like I'm playing the part of a character around others. Even talking to other adoptees it's weird because they have different views than I do. I have probably said this all a thousand times, and yere all sick of hearing it but I'll stay saying it until people realise that adoptees isn't just like eveyone else's life. We go through so much in our lives that can make us a completely different person and when your going through hard times , yea my adoptive parents are there but im sat, cup of coffee in hand thinking what my birth mam would say. Thinking different scenarios in your head all the time of what you think life would be like if you weren't adopted. I know I do it all the time, where would we go on holidays, any traditions or what Christmas and Halloween would be like. Would you be allowed tattoos or piercings, are they dog or cat people. Even little things like their favourite colour and how they take their tea. It's something so big in the world happening daily, people of all ages put up for adoption or brig adopted. It's in those few moment life changes for everyone.

I imagine what my birthday would be like, what my mam would think of my tattoo and how everything would be different. There are days I wish I wasn't adopted, plenty but there's days I don't. It's a long rough road but when you get to the end you will hopefully feel complete again. The destruction caused by deprivation of identity is huge, but for now I'll  just wait, overthink and ponder on what life would have thrown my way.

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Thanks for reading,

~LifeOfShivy❣️