Those nights

Those nights

I wrote this blog back last year when my depression had hit an all time low, I wasn’t myself at all. I would constantly stay at home, back out of plans and just never see my friends much. When I was with them I just didn’t feel like a part of the group even tho I was, it was just the way my head was working. I wanted to drop out out of college I just wasn’t myself. I rode it out for another few months until recently when I was like I need help. I went to my doctor and got put on antidepressants. It’s a slow process I didn’t automatically feel better. 

Those nights where you don’t know how you feel. You don’t know why you feel the way you do. I think everyone has nights like this. Just sitting in bed not knowing what to do with yourself, your head is in overdrive but you can’t understand any of the thoughts. So you just stare into space and hope it’ll get better soon. You try watch TV but your just staring at it not even following what’s on even if it’s your favourite program and you can do this for ages. Time feels like the nights dragging 

Your music is a mix of every song that has a memory or meaning to you. You sit  reminiscing over the past and all the things that have gone on in your life. You forget to reply to any snap chat's or messages because your in your own head. Each song has helped you at some stage in your life both good and bad. Nights when you don’t even feel like you know yourself. Everyone has these nights and it’s okay. It doesn’t even have to be nights it can happen at any time, it often happens me in college when I’m with the best bunch of people. I just zone completely out and go into my head and overthink and wreck my own head. It’s an easy thing to do and trying to come back out of your head is even harder. You just want to be alone but you can’t so you paste a smile on your face and pretend to follow the conversation but constantly have to keep saying  ‘sorry what?’ Or some other way of basically saying you weren’t even paying attention. And that’s okay people won’t mind, and if they do don’t even mind them because I’m nearly positive they have done it before. 

Just take a breath and calm yourself if you feel worked up.
Like right now im sat at half 4 in the morning writing this because i had a bad night and haven't slept because my thoughts are working against me and my brain is going haywire no matter what i try. Even Abba isn't helping right now..I cant figure out what music i want to listen to but to be honest im not even paying it much attention because of how fast my brain is working. Ive tried Netflix and Youtube but no luck.
I will get out of bed tomorrow and this will continue but ill throw a fake smile on and get on with  my day as much as i can because i have to, yet all i want to do is curl up in bed and hide.

I will feel better after a while its just not going to be straight away, so tomorrow ill eat what i want to try make myself feel better. Ill listen to my favourite songs on repeat and ill dance around my room until I feel even slightly better.

This will pass and you will be yourself again later, enjoying the company you have and  joining in the conversation. You need to take time for yourself too tho remeber that. 

Thanks for reading,

-LifeOfShivy